My Beef With Santa Claus

I’m going to tell my kids there is no Santa the first time they ask me if they can go sit on his lap at the mall.

You think I’m a horrible person don’t you? Well that’s okay, just give it time.

Today (see prior post) I went to the mall and discovered that the line to see Santa was doing laps around itself. The line was filled with children who were visibly having a personal battle of will: “Should I scream and yell because I’m tired of waiting? Or should I behave because The Man Himself is sitting 10 feet away?”

I think most of the kids were losing the battle. Santa or no Santa, no kid wants to wait an hour and a half for anything.

And I know many of you will think I’m nuts for this one but is he or is he not a total germ pit? Everyone knows that small children are walking germs. They have yellow snot running down their noses from September to March every year and if by some stroke of luck you have a healthy child, just go sit them on Santa’s lap for a few minutes so they can catch whatever the 10 kids before them had.

Finally, I have to question why a grown man would even apply for this job in the first place. Maybe I’ve watched a few too many Dateline specials but the concept of my child sitting on this strange man’s lap kinda creeps me out.

So that’s that. No Santa it is. I can put the good money saved from the Santa line at the mall towards my children’s therapy later in life.

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