This will be random, I assure you.
So I got the RSS feed working again. I posted about it on Facebook so probably that is not news to any of my readers. I hate the fact that I get so completely obsessed with getting things right to the point where I am all consumed with it until it’s done. I have grand plans for redoing the layout of this site, not really because oh so many people see it but because I want to do it. But then I think about what will happen when I can’t figure something out and how stressful that will be. So for now it’s staying the way it is cause I don’t really want to pester Dottie when I know she is so busy with her dissertation.
I am also kinda at odds with myself over the fact I have made this blog public through Facebook. On the one hand, people can find it and read it. On the other hand, people can find it and read it and know it’s ME talking. The anonymity I had before was pretty helpful with getting my thoughts out. One of the things I’m struggling with lately is not something I really want my coworkers to know about but a few of them can read this through the link on FB and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
But I’ve decided I’m going to talk about it anyway because really, the chances are probably slim they will read this and my overall dilemma already HAS an answer but it’s just something I need to talk through anyway.
See the thing is that I really want to have another baby. I think most of my readers already know this about me. I REALLY want to be pregnant again. Pregnancy amnesia is honest to goodness a real thing and I have easily forgotten that lot of being pregnant sucked. I remember the amazing sense of knowing that a child was growing inside of me and I want that again. This revelation is not really so much a big deal, it’s just that I keep wondering if what I’m doing is the right thing? Letting someone else care for my child while I work is just something I’m having a hard time dealing with lately. I think the summer proved to me that I’m actually pretty good at being a SAHM (Stay at home mom for those of you not up on your mommy lingo). My initial horror at being “stuck” at home all day diminished quickly and now I’m thinking about all the fun things I could be doing with Andrew if I were still at home. I keep thinking about this time last year when I wasn’t working and how wonderful it was to wake up and know I had the whole day to spend with him. Why didn’t I appreciate it then? Why was I in such a hurry to go back to work?
And then there is that feeling that overwhelmingly wins out which is that I can’t possibly leave my job. My identity isn’t just mother, it’s teacher too. (A. would ask where the heck wife comes in here?) I have no real complaints about my job and I love what I do. I kinda just wish I could do both. I wonder if having a second child will overpower this feeling. If I’m being honest, I don’t want it to. But then again it’s not something I really think you can mentally control. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s really your heart that decides these things. All I know is that right now my family feels incomplete. That feeling in and of itself creates a lot of guilt. I would never want Andrew to think that he isn’t enough for me. I just want him to have brothers and sisters. I see myself with not just one child but several. The job thing, the graduate school thing, the not even being sure I can get pregnant again thing all adds up to a lot of mental controversy.
And speaking of graduate school… I’m 2 classes from being done. These two classes might kill me though. First of all, this class I’ve got coming up starts in a week. From the sound of the initial letter I got, it’s going to be a real doozy. I have no control over whether or not I take it, it’s a requirement. It’s now or never. Then, I thought I’d have the first part of the spring off from school but they changed my final class to being a 16 week course instead of an 8 week course. I’m sure in the long run that’s a good thing but it kinda feels like adding an extra class. Blah!
When I first started preparing to go back to school, I was so consumed with taking the GRE and getting into the program that I never actually gave much thought to finishing it and that’s kinda strange for me because I’ve never really quit at anything. I’m not even sure at this point why I decided to get started with it except that I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I’m pretty competitive that way (“Really? YOU? Competitive?” you ask). So anyway, here I am nearing the end and the thought of going through 2 more semesters actually makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon. (How’s that for a mental image?) But alas, I WILL finish this program. I WILL graduate next May. I WILL NOT quit!
So there’s your dose of random for the evening. I can’t imagine that many of you got all the way to the end of this post but if you did thanks 🙂
I’m so sorry you are struggling with all of this. I don’t think your feeling that your family is incomplete says anything to Andrew – it means that you yearn for more for him – siblings. I think when you are ready, you should start trying again, and I’m certain that you will be able to get pregnant again, even if you need a little help.
I understand needing to find that balance between being home and keeping that career. I’ve loved the time I spent home with Micah, but I also need my career, and I need that part of my identity. I just couldn’t leave it all behind. When I wasn’t getting enough work time in, I felt as if I was losing me, and it was tough.
You can find that balance – maybe you can start teaching part-time, or perhaps it is enough for you to have summers with Andrew. And wanting to keep your identity and your work does not mean you love Andrew any less, or are any less of a mother. It means you want more for him – you want to be a well-rounded person FOR Andrew!
As for grad school – the home stretch is awful. Just kind of put your nose to the grindstone and get through. You can do it – you are SOOOO clsoe!
I’m glad you told me about the site. It’s really nice being able to read about what’s going on in your life and how you’re feeling. I knew you wanted more kids, but I didn’t know you were thinking of another one soon! Steve wants me to have ours a year or year and a half apart like him and his brothers. I don’t know if I could handle that! Yours would be closer to 2 years apart though which seems more doable. Anyways…just wanted you to know that I’m enjoying your site! BTW…the kitty slideshow fight was too funny! lol
For what it’s worth–coming from the girl with no husband and no child–I don’t think that your wanting more children or feeling like your family is incomplete has anything to do with Andrew being enough, etc. You and I are both siblings, and we both know just how special and treasured those sibling bonds/relationships are. There are no other people on Earth who you share more DNA with, and there are no other people who will go through the same experiences in the same capacity as the ones that siblings go through together. I have several friends who are only children, and each and every one of them has expressed at some point just how much they wished they had had at least one sibling and how lonely it could be as an only child. One friend commented on the relationships between several of his guy friends and their brothers and that he felt like he was missing out on something. Look at it this way, you’re wanting another child isn’t just about you–it’s about wanting to give to the child that you already have the same special experience that you have with your own siblings. In other words, it’s just as much for Andrew as it is for yourself.
As far as the getting pregnant again thing–I know you will, even if you need help. Actually, there is a man that my mom used to work with. He and his wife tried for 12 years before she was able to get pregnant and carry to term. She got pregnant much easier the second time, and then they ended up with an unplanned (but very muchly so welcomed) third. Sometimes, it seems like people have no trouble with the first one or two, and then problems come up. Or, it’s like the people my mom knew–years of trouble, then none. You just never know.
I am actually done with the writing now. Two committee members are ready to sign, and I’m just waiting for comments from the third. If you want to jump in with the redesign, go for it–I’m on stand-by and more the willing to help. Actually, the distraction of having something like that to throw myself into would be nice. I need something to take my mind off of the dismal job market, the divorcing parents, my mother and her special friend, the stupid boy and his roller coaster of mixed signals, etc. Basically, I’m here and ready to help. 🙂