Stuck in Limbo

It’s strange being at a place where you know you belong but not really “being” there. I know that doesn’t make any sense. I haven’t taught since the last day of the 07-08 school year so, last June. I’m going back in January. The last few weeks however, I’ve spent time at work every day because I co-direct the Christmas play (which was tonight– and went wonderfully!). It’s been a great experience and has helped me really get excited about going back. I’ve gotten to know the new kids too which is a tremendous plus. It’s just that it’s strange being there without a “home” (classroom) or at least not one that isn’t currently occupied by my sub. I’ve found that when I go back to this place that feels like home to be around people that feel like family, it seems like I’m in limbo, often without a specific place to be or people to be in charge of. It’s an odd sensation. I also suspect that the honeymoon phase will end quickly once the kids realize that I do intend to teach them when I return. They are so excited to have me back now and it feels wonderful to have people excited about my return, only, I feel like it may be a case of “the grass is always greener” when they find that I have kept my expectations high.

And I realized all this today.

So I’ve had a bad case of nerves suddenly and it’s stressing me out. Everyone thinks that it’s because I’m afraid of leaving my baby but I’m not. He’ll be staying with family and I know he will not only have terrific care but also love the time he spends there. No, I’m worried about where I will fit in once I return to school. Will everything go right back to normal or will everything have changed? I’ve counted on a sense of normalcy that has been so severely lacking the last 4 months…. no the last year but is that really what I can expect? Really all I can do is wait and see what happens and hope that I can find my place again as teacher after finally adjusting to the role of mom.

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