The Last Year

Well now that we’re moving forward I thought I’d take some time to look back. You see very personal though it may be, I feel like I should share a bit of my pregnancy journey and what better time to do it than almost exactly a year since the day cells joined to make a baby. December 6th. Probably more info than you wanted to know but you see December 6th 2007 was a long long time past the beginning of the conceiving journey and it marks a day that I thought may never happen. A day that I wasn’t sure my body was capable of. Turns out it was– with the help of fertility treatment. If you’re reading this it’s because you know me and you may have already know about my use of Clomid but if you didn’t know and you’re wondering why I would share such a personal thing I’ll say this. Since sharing my journey with others I’ve met dozens of other ladies who have shared my experience and I’ve been able to help other ladies who needed encouragement from someone who had been there. Strength that I never knew I had developed out of my experience. I’m not ashamed. And so I share.

Yes one year ago. I look at my beautiful baby boy now with utter amazement that in what really amounts to a few short months, he came into being. He has all his tiny fingers and toes, ears and eyes (head shoulders knees and toes). He smiles when I enter the room and laughs when I sing to him. One year, that’s all it takes to go from nothing to the love of my life.

I wish I had documented my experience more. I did write out the story of his birth, something I may give to him someday, but likely not. It’s too intensely personal to share. I guess the whole experience is but I wish I had a tangible written documentation of the last year. I wish I had written how I felt through the pregnancy, each strange new sensation, each fear, each joy. I wish I had words to express the depth of which my life has changed and how deeply I believe that there is nothing more exciting, nothing more amazing or joyful or terrifying than the experience of giving birth. It’s something I can’t wait to do again– just not quite yet 🙂

And so here we are one year later. My baby has good days and bad days and on a scale of 1-10 this evening rated -5. I remember the heartburn he gave me when I was pregnant and It pains me to know that he is the one who has it now. Reflux makes babies cry. A lot. But just when I think I can’t stand to hear him cry another minute he’ll pause and look up into my eyes and he’ll smile and I know my life has changed forever.

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