It’s 11 days into the new year and you know what? My house is still clean and relatively organized. I am still on top of my todo list and despite the fact that I’m enrolled in my last and supposedly hardest course of my graduate degree, I am right on top of things.

Wow! Now that I said that a million things are going to fall on top of me to get done in the next week.

The thing is, I AM busy. I just can’t tell if maybe I’m finally getting the hang of all this. That’s a little scary in a way but wonderful nonetheless.

I won’t bore you with my actual routine. It’s fit for the elderly but oh how I love it! After being busy busy and on the go for so many years I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to get in bed before 9:00. I only hope I can keep it up.

And moving on to another order of business, this blog.

I have a long list of blogs I follow on Bloglines (If you don’t have it, get it. It’s wonderful!) And I’m starting to notice a trend among my mommy friends. All their blogs are about their babies. I’m starting to feel like Andrew is getting the short end of the stick on this one because this blog is and never has been all about him, especially since I started it long before I was even pregnant.

So what do you think? More Andrew stories? Let me know.

In the mean time, I will share just one (or two) things about my favorite little munchkin. I am ever amazed at how quickly he is growing up. I have this milestone chart from Babycenter.com and I look at it every now and then just to make sure he isn’t falling behind in any areas. I was shocked to find that he is performing skills that would be considered advanced for a 21 month old (He is 17 months this weekend). He is also doing some things at the level of a 24 month old. I about fell over when I saw that one! He’s a talker and would be perfectly happy to spend the entire afternoon looking through his books and identifying the things in the pictures. One of his latest words is “yellow” which comes out sounding ever so cute as “yeh-woah” complete with adorable high pitched little boy voice. He likes this color so much that he will identify everything as yellow.

“Andrew, what color is Elmo?” “yeh-woah” “Andrew, Elmo is red.” “yeh-woah” “Can you say red?” “yeh-woah”

The whole exchange is quite adorable so I find myself asking him the color of things all the time just to hear him say the word.

Another thing he likes to do lately is have phone conversations with or without another person on the line. The conversation is short and consists of “Hi, hello. Bye-bye” If you happen to get a random call from me now you’ll understand.

Several years ago, we went to Downtown Disney around Christmas time which is one of my favorite things to do. This is before we had Andrew and really before we were even thinking about kids but we went into the giant toy store anyway. They had this humongous display of Mr. Potato head parts. You could buy a box for about 20 bucks and stuff it with as many parts at it would hold from the giant potato head buffet.

Naturally I wanted to get my money worth so my brother and I spent 30 minutes off in the corner of the store packing the box to the point where it may well have been close to spontaneous combustion. The woman gave me an annoyed look at the check out– sweet vindication from getting my money’s worth out of Disney! Haha!

Well of course I got it home and dressed up the potato head and thought, “now what”? Yeah, that’s what happens when adults buy toys. I put all the pieces in a basket on the shelf in our bedroom which is where it sat until now.

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I love the layout of our home. Except now that we’ve lived here 4.5 years I’ve started to notice some of the quirks. For example, I’m certain that whoever designed the master bathroom did not have children. This is because there is no door on the master bathroom. Yes, the room for the toilet has a door but the shower and bathtub are open to the bedroom. When Andrew was tiny he sat in his bouncy seat while we showered or got dressed. Then as he outgrew the bouncy seat we moved the jumper into the bathroom. But now that he’s 15 months old and weighs 25 pounds he has outgrown all his containment devices. We are left to allow him to roam free or scream his head off in the crib. We baby proofed the room and went for the scream free option.

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So you may see where I’m going with this excessively and inappropriately long story.

Andrew discovered the Mr. Potato Head basket and all the parts. He waltzes over to the basket as though it was put there for him. And maybe on some level it was, even though I didn’t know that several years ago.

He has his favorite parts. Noses and eyes, various hats, arms, lips and glasses. He carries them around the house and they have slowly infiltrated every room, every crevice, every drawer or cabinet. Only it is just a part or two here or there. I find eyeballs on the stair case and an arm in my bedside table. It is like a twisted toy massacre as I find body parts all over my house. I doubt we’ll ever find where he’s hidden them all until we move out and even then we very well may leave a part or two behind. It’s just a good thing that all those years ago, I spent that quality time ensuring that I fit every single possible piece in that box so that I could now provide endless hours of entertainment for my son

My mom used to tell me that becoming a mother would change me as a teacher. Of course motherhood changes you as a person first and foremost but she assured me that it would make me see things differently. I accepted that she was probably right and went on my merry (tired) way.

I can honestly say I didn’t give that idea much thought until now. When I returned to teaching I went right back into my groove. It took a few weeks to get adjusted to starting in the middle of a school year but now here we are in the middle of October and I feel like I never really left for any sort of maternity leave.

But I do think being a mom has changed me.

Maybe it’s in the way that noise doesn’t get to me the way it used to. I can block out a noisy classroom a little too well and my kiddos have helped me do the alternative– block out a crying baby. I also found that I am more patient. Maybe it’s because my students are so much more capable of doing “grown up” things like helping out in the classroom and helping each other. I like watching them, and I like imagining what Andrew will be like when he is their age.

I find myself putting myself in the shoes of the parents. When Andrew is in school, I know I’ll want his teachers to take good care of him so maybe this is my way to “pay it forward”.

Today is the end of the 1st quarter and I got my list of pink slips so I could take them into consideration when writing report card grades. Pink slips are what we give out to a student who is not behaving appropriately. In years past, I have written upwards of 80 pink slips in a quarter. I think once I even wrote over 100. Granted we have an EXCELLENT group this year but this quarter I wrote 4. Yes, FOUR. That’s like, unheard of. I guess that goes back to the patience thing.

But what made me sit down to write this? Well today while writing up my lesson plans for next week I actually took the time to plan {gasp} HALLOWEEN activities for my students. I despise Halloween but for some reason I’m excited about it this year and I don’t have to think hard to know why. It’s because I want to make it special for my little lion who will be able to walk from door to door this year and who I know with each passing year, will come to enjoy Halloween more and more. I used to ignore the holiday altogether but now I’m starting to understand that even though I hate it, it’s important to kids and if I’m going to be a good mom and a good teacher, what’s important to them has to be important to me too.

This will be random, I assure you.

So I got the RSS feed working again. I posted about it on Facebook so probably that is not news to any of my readers. I hate the fact that I get so completely obsessed with getting things right to the point where I am all consumed with it until it’s done. I have grand plans for redoing the layout of this site, not really because oh so many people see it but because I want to do it. But then I think about what will happen when I can’t figure something out and how stressful that will be. So for now it’s staying the way it is cause I don’t really want to pester Dottie when I know she is so busy with her dissertation.

I am also kinda at odds with myself over the fact I have made this blog public through Facebook. On the one hand, people can find it and read it. On the other hand, people can find it and read it and know it’s ME talking. The anonymity I had before was pretty helpful with getting my thoughts out. One of the things I’m struggling with lately is not something I really want my coworkers to know about but a few of them can read this through the link on FB and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

But I’ve decided I’m going to talk about it anyway because really, the chances are probably slim they will read this and my overall dilemma already HAS an answer but it’s just something I need to talk through anyway.

See the thing is that I really want to have another baby. I think most of my readers already know this about me. I REALLY want to be pregnant again. Pregnancy amnesia is honest to goodness a real thing and I have easily forgotten that lot of being pregnant sucked. I remember the amazing sense of knowing that a child was growing inside of me and I want that again. This revelation is not really so much a big deal, it’s just that I keep wondering if what I’m doing is the right thing? Letting someone else care for my child while I work is just something I’m having a hard time dealing with lately. I think the summer proved to me that I’m actually pretty good at being a SAHM (Stay at home mom for those of you not up on your mommy lingo). My initial horror at being “stuck” at home all day diminished quickly and now I’m thinking about all the fun things I could be doing with Andrew if I were still at home. I keep thinking about this time last year when I wasn’t working and how wonderful it was to wake up and know I had the whole day to spend with him. Why didn’t I appreciate it then? Why was I in such a hurry to go back to work?

And then there is that feeling that overwhelmingly wins out which is that I can’t possibly leave my job. My identity isn’t just mother, it’s teacher too. (A. would ask where the heck wife comes in here?) I have no real complaints about my job and I love what I do. I kinda just wish I could do both. I wonder if having a second child will overpower this feeling. If I’m being honest, I don’t want it to. But then again it’s not something I really think you can mentally control. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s really your heart that decides these things. All I know is that right now my family feels incomplete. That feeling in and of itself creates a lot of guilt. I would never want Andrew to think that he isn’t enough for me. I just want him to have brothers and sisters. I see myself with not just one child but several. The job thing, the graduate school thing, the not even being sure I can get pregnant again thing all adds up to a lot of mental controversy.

And speaking of graduate school… I’m 2 classes from being done. These two classes might kill me though. First of all, this class I’ve got coming up starts in a week. From the sound of the initial letter I got, it’s going to be a real doozy. I have no control over whether or not I take it, it’s a requirement. It’s now or never. Then, I thought I’d have the first part of the spring off from school but they changed my final class to being a 16 week course instead of an 8 week course. I’m sure in the long run that’s a good thing but it kinda feels like adding an extra class. Blah!

When I first started preparing to go back to school, I was so consumed with taking the GRE and getting into the program that I never actually gave much thought to finishing it and that’s kinda strange for me because I’ve never really quit at anything. I’m not even sure at this point why I decided to get started with it except that I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I’m pretty competitive that way (“Really? YOU? Competitive?” you ask). So anyway, here I am nearing the end and the thought of going through 2 more semesters actually makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon. (How’s that for a mental image?) But alas, I WILL finish this program. I WILL graduate next May. I WILL NOT quit!

So there’s your dose of random for the evening. I can’t imagine that many of you got all the way to the end of this post but if you did thanks

Since this year has been both the greatest and most exhausting year of my life, I thought I’d take a few minutes to write about the things I have learned about motherhood. In no particular order….

1. Eat something before you head to the hospital. They really don’t let you eat or drink anything there. It’s tough to summon the energy to push a baby out when you haven’t eaten in 24+ hours.

2. Spending 9 months worrying about delivery is a big waste of worrying. Labor Amnesia kicks in before you can feel your legs again.

3. Epidurals are every bit as wonderful as I expected them to be.

4. Baby boys have no control over where they pee and will not stop even if they are hitting themselves in the face.

5. Cats and babies are okay together as long as the cat has a good 6-9 months to get used to it being there before the baby is mobile. At that point they realize they’re stuck with the thing. I must also add that cats are passive aggressive little creatures who will make their feelings known even if in subtle ways such as chewing the nipples off bottles or destroying teethers.

6. Milestones come when you least expect them. Worrying about when a baby will sit up or crawl or walk is silly. Just when you think it will never happen, they get up and walk across the room. Just because I know this doesn’t mean I won’t worry anyway.

7. Just because the parents are small doesn’t mean the baby will be.

8. You should never underestimate the strength of a baby who doesn’t want to be changed. Things that you never imagined you’d let your baby chew on become great toys when you need a distraction for this particular occasion.

9. Bath time can be considered an aerobic workout.

10. Travel systems are not necessary. Get the stroller frame and the bucket seat. Then switch to an umbrella stroller (I recommend the Maclaren)

11. All the stuff you get at your baby shower is awesome for the first few months when you realize you need a whole new set of stuff.

12. An 8 pound baby can take up more space than 2 grown adults.

13. You will not remember anything about the first month of your child’s life unless you write it down and take pictures. You may still not remember it. Like labor, we forget these things. It’s natures way of ensuring we have more children.

14. Breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone and if it doesn’t work for you, flipping out about it won’t help the situation. I don’t care what people say, Formula is a nutritionally perfect food. If breastfeeding was nutritionally perfect you wouldn’t have to supplement your baby’s diet with vitamins.

15. Make a point of taking a picture of your baby every single day. I had planned to do this and then didn’t do it and I wish more than anything that I had.

16. You can never take too many pictures.

17. All the things you thought you wouldn’t get done while you were pregnant and killed yourself doing in the last few weeks… waste of time. Life doesn’t cease to exist. Eventually, life continues. You will have time to do things again.

18. Sleep before the baby comes. That’s one thing you won’t be doing after it arrives.

19. You can have a baby and a clean house.

20. Napping while the baby naps is not good advice for someone anal about getting things done like me.

21. Bonding isn’t always instant. It’s okay if it’s not. It will happen.

22. Did I mention that you should take a lot of pictures.

23. People tell you that babies grow up fast and to enjoy every second of it. No truer word was ever spoken. By the time they reach a year old you’ll try to remember what they were like when they were tiny and you just can’t. They grow up before your eyes.

24. Just when you think you’ve kept everything clean and sanitized, you’ll find your baby eating cat fur and sticks.

25. You can never imagine the intensity of the love you will feel for your baby until one day you’re holding them in your arms and you feel like your heart will literally burst with the joy of knowing that you are holding the most precious being in the whole world. You will sit back and marvel at the amazing tiny child that your body created and try to imagine what the world was like before they were in it. Then you’ll realize that that world may never have existed because the only thing important now is the child in your arms and when he is there with you, everything is perfect.

Happy 1st Birthday my dear sweet precious Andrew

You know how all teachers make their first writing assignment something like, “My Summer Vacation”? I never thought too much of these assignments when I was younger and usually don’t like assigning it to my students now either. It’s just that I can’t remember a summer that I had this much fun!

I was dreading this break from work. It’s funny how we long for the things that we know and that are familiar to us. When Andrew was born, I was anxious to go back to work. Being a mother is so hard, and at the time it was so new and difficult that I longed for familiarity. Working would provide comfort and a guaranteed 45 minutes of quiet time a day! By and large, by the time I returned last January, I was happy to return and while I missed Andrew, I still felt that working was easier than being a mom.

So when June rolled around and school got out I braced myself for the tough job ahead. I felt tremendous guilt for not wanting to be a stay at home mom. What was wrong with me? How could I not love my son enough to want to spend every day with him?

The first week was rough. Andrew was irritated that I had taken him from his great grandparents and I was just trying to get myself put together and start a routine. Andrew didn’t nap well and was out of sorts. I kept thinking what a long summer I had ahead of me.

Then something happened. Something unexplainable and wonderful happened. I fell in love with my baby boy all over again. But this time something was different. If before we were held together with scotch tape, now we were welded together– unbreakable.

I tried to understand what made the difference but I think that just might take the magic out of it. I never understood how anyone could love being a stay at home mom and now I do. I am, for the very first time, not looking forward to going back to work. Sure, I’m excited but if I had my way I’d take another few months here with my baby because I’m certain that while I’m gone that first day he’s going to grow up even more and by the end of that first week he’ll be preparing for college.

If I sound all gooshy and mushy I hope you’ll forgive me. And if you’re thinking I’m a nut for not feeling this sooner then I’ll agree but whatever happened it was better late than never and all I can say for it is that I am head over heels in love with my baby.

Next Monday he will turn 1.

Every morning I think of the date and I remember what I was doing this time last year and for whatever I forgot after he was born, I do remember these days leading up to his birth very well. I remember the anticipation and the excitement and fear and nervousness. Most of all I remember the awful pain I was in by that point and the fact that my ankles were so swollen I had to cut the elastic off of A’s socks so I could put something over my feet. I remember the job title I was about to acquire and I remember wondering if I’d be any good at it and if I would love my child the way he deserves to be loved and if I could tell the me of then what the me of now is thinking a year later, I think I would have had a much easier time of those last few days. No it’s not been an easy year but it has been perhaps the greatest year of my entire life. I know this summer has been as much.

So on these last few days of summer, on the last few days before my baby isn’t such a baby anymore, I will be very busy– preparing for work, watching my baby grow, loving being a mom, and enjoying every second of it.

Please read about baby Christian. He is an August baby who is proof that miracles happen every day.

Christian’s Story Wednesday, July 8th, 2009 is a day that the Quintero family won’t ever forget. That afternoon, 11-month-old Christian fell in the family pool and nearly drowned. His big brother Gabe pulled him out of the pool, and his mother Shauna frantically did CPR while waiting for paramedics to arrive. Even at the hospital, they could not get a pulse, and Shauna was asked to come in and say goodbye to her little boy. During their last attempt to save Christian, Shauna touched her son’s leg, called out his name, and his heart started beating again! Amazing! Of course, this was not the end of the story, but rather the beginning of a long, hard struggle for Christian and his family as he fights every day to survive and recover.

Shauna started a blog called Christian’s Journey (http://christiansjourney-shaunaq.blogspot.com/) to keep everyone up to date with the latest happenings in Christian’s world.

Please donate anything you can to help his treatment. He has a long road ahead but every little bit helps.

A year ago my life was so different. It’s hard to imagine that I’m still living the same lifetime as I was back then.

Tomorrow, school gets out. I am sad to see these students go. They are a great bunch. It figures that one of the best bunches in years would come along on a year when I was only working for half the time. Tomorrow. Funny, the day before the FIRST day of school I gave birth. I’m hopefuly nothing so exciting happens today, the day before the last day of school. This year can be measured in student growth AND Andrew growth. One school year = an increase of 10 inches and an increase of 15 pounds, 8 teeth, rolling, sitting, scootching, creeping, crawling, pulling to standing, singing, playing and talking. It equals 9.5 months of the most intense love I have ever felt for a human being. It also equals the most trying, stressful, exhausting time of my life. So you may be able to see (or are a parent yourself and fully understand) why this year has felt like several lifetimes.

But as I think back over the year I think back to last summer, too. Ah last summer. Such a bizzare eclipse of time, a strange inbetween, a pause button pressed– the old me and the new me. Loneliness, solitude, monotony, growth. That was my last summer. Except for my one bright spot– my student, my tutoree.

Honestly, I owe my sanity to my dear sweet student S, without whom, I may have simply lost my mind last year. As weeks passed I spent my days sitting at my computer doing school work, 8, 10, sometimes 12 hours a day. I had gigantic swollen feet to show for my many hours of sitting. I left my house to tutor and to go to doctor’s appointments, neither of which caused me to actually leave the neighborhood. I grew to welcome the company of this kind and gentle 14 year old, who always made me smile no matter how hot, tired and uncomfortable I felt. I think I will always associate the start of this life changing year with her.

And this coming summer couldn’t be more different. I doubt I’ll be doing much sitting with Andrew around and I plan to leave my neighborhood more than once a week! While this summer may not end with the birth of a child, I hope that it is still the start of new and wonderful things! Here’s to new experiences, excitement, love and family. Here’s to summer!

There have been many things I have been unsure of in my life. Many. Rarely has anything ever been an easy decision. I like to drag things out, think them over, you know, generally annoy everyone around me for a while while I work things out. I remember the day I found out the position I now have opened at my school. I was in NJ, my mom called me to tell me one of the teachers was leaving. The thoughts started stirring in my mind at that moment. The next morning I woke up with the fully formed decision that I MUST TAKE THAT JOB. No hemming and hawing. I just knew it. It was all but a done deal the next day. I moved home. You know me you know the story.

I’ve never been so certain of anything as I was in knowing that I’m where I’m supposed to be teaching. When Andrew came into the picture I knew still that I would not leave my school. I was anxious in anticipation to return even though it means leaving the light of my life with someone else during the day.

So why, now, am I entertaining ideas of leaving this place I am so sure about?

And it’s not what you think.

It has nothing to do with Andrew. I mean it.

I’m in grad school. You know this, yes? Educational Technology, preparing students for the future of learning, for the 21st century (funny how we’ve been here for 9 years and we’re only now starting the serious conversation). I’m in my 8th class out of 12. I’ll graduate next May. Although I haven’t loved the work, I have loved all the things I’ve been learning in the courses but with each passing course I feel more and more of a sense of complete frustration and helplessness where my own school is concerned.

We’re supposed to be preparing kids for technology that is ever changing. We’re supposed to be teaching kids critical thinking and problem solving and how to be digitally literate but all I can think is that I’m failing at this task. I’m failing miserably. What makes me a good teacher? What makes parents tell me years after I’ve taught their kids that I’m the best teacher their kid has ever had. What made some parents beg me to return sooner than I’d planned after Andrew was born? If they knew what I know; if they knew what their kids needed to be successful would they still think that? Would they still think my school was so great? My school that lives in the technology dark ages?

I have one internet connected computer in my classroom but today it started flaking out and will be dead soon. I have another computer that runs Windows 98 because that’s the most powerful program it can handle. It doesn’t even have a word processor on it. I have one that only turns on when it feels like it. And yet, after successfully getting a company to build brand new computers AT COST with no charge for labor, my school turned them down. Why can’t they see how important this is? Why can’t they see how much we’re hurting our kids, not to teach them using the technology that they will need to be successful in the future?

What more am I supposed to do, besides basically handing my school a truck load of computers on a silver platter? What more am I supposed to do, besides offering my opinion any time it is asked providing research cited materials to back up my answers. What more am I supposed to do, besides passing on all the information I gather that is of true importance right on to my boss and colleagues so they see how important these changes are? Why is it that I’m the most qualified person where technology is concerned, having almost received my Masters degree in the subject and yet others who are far less qualified play a greater role in deciding what things we do and do not receive? Why are we still educating kids the same way we did 50 years ago through rote memorization and drill and practice? I know they have learning disabilities but doesn’t that make it that much more important that we do this the right way?

Times are changing. They’re changing REALLY FAST! If you want to know exactly what I mean, watch the video I’ve posted below. If you haven’t seen it, it will blow your mind. That’s what I’m up against. I have to be able to sleep at night knowing that I’ve done the best I can for my students and as of late, I can’t because I haven’t. I haven’t prepared them for what is to come because I don’t have the resources to do it and I can’t prepare them for what is to come because no one, anywhere, wants to address the needs of special needs children in the 21st century, children who need to be reminded to write their name with a capital letter and oh by the way, need to be using their critical thinking skills to solve real world problems. I’m leading a one woman army into battle against people who don’t even see that we have a problem.

And what happens if I DO leave? Do I give up because it’s gotten hard? That’s not my style. How can I not see this through until the end? I’m invested in this school. It’s not a place anyone walks away from easily. I’ve never pictured myself anywhere else. But how can I in good faith continue begging for change that isn’t coming fast enough if at all? I feel like getting up and screaming, “Please, listen to me! Our kids need to learn this stuff! Our kids need to be prepared! These are the things they need to know!”

I hope by some miracle the right person will read this and tell me what to do because the solution just isn’t coming to me. The answers just aren’t there right now. I’m out of ideas.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpEnFwiqdx8&hl=en&fs=1]

If you’re looking for my introduction, scroll down to the next post.

I love it when we change the clocks forward an hour. The loss of one hour of sleep is so worth gaining an extra hour of light in the evening. It makes me feel like summer is already here!

I love it when the dishwasher is full enough that I don’t have to wash bottles by hand and I can just stick them in there and run it.

I love it when my cat Rosie jumps in bed with me and remembers not to step ON me but rather walks around me.

I love it when I get to dress Andrew in the morning.

I love it when the weather changes for the first day of a new season, like the first day it goes from being hot to being cold there is usually a rain storm and then you know it’s time to bring out the sweaters. It’s the same in the spring when you wake up in the morning and you don’t need to drag the blanket with you to stay warm.

I love it when Andrew lets me sleep past 7:30 on a Saturday.

I love it when the stores start selling school supplies in August.

I love it when I take a really good picture, the kind that you just want to keep looking at again and again. I especially love it when it’s the last picture I’ve taken, it’s like somehow I knew I just needed that one last shot.

I love it when my house is clean, the laundry is done and folded, and everything is where it’s supposed to be.

I love it when it’s football season.

I love the sound waves make when they hit the shore.

I love the sound of pure silence, something I haven’t heard since I went to the Grand Canyon last March and something I don’t expect to hear again until I go back.

I love Andrew’s smile.

I love going to bed knowing I accomplished something really important. It’s not happening tonight but I know it will soon. I love knowing that the best is yet to come.